30 Days of Thanks: Day 10

Today I'm thankful that I had the resolve and the determination to nurse my sweet CJ for 14 months (day and night) but I'm also thankful that I finally got up the guts and the nerves to let him start "fussing it out" during the night!!! Bittersweet...bittersweet!!

Night from hell!!

So last night was horrible, our first terrible night since the very beginning!!! C slept late from like 2PM till like 5:30PM and was then up and nursing most of the time till 8PM. Well at 8PM I change his diaper and swaddle him and we turn out the lights and I get in the recliner and start nursing him like I've done every night since birth. Well he would not go to sleep and my milk is so low at night as it is (just because that's normal for milk supply and also he nurses non stop all evening long) eventually he started fussing and pulling at the breast and not wanting to suck so I decided fine you can just get a bottle, so DH feeds him 3 ozs and he still is crying and not wanting to fall asleep so again I just take him and pop him on the breast and let him comfort suck and finally at 10:55PM after much rocking (be with him still fidgety in my arms) I lay him down. And honestly I wasn't even sure if he was gonna stay down so I laid on the couch and dozed on and off with DH bothering me repeatedly to come to bed and I finally did at about midnight. It didn't help that DH was in a terrible mood when he came home and snapped at the kids and I had a headache from hell that wouldn't go away!!! Of course C was up at 4AM and nursed for a bit and I rocked him and tried to put him back in his bed and I again laid on the couch and dozed and then both him and G woke up at 5:45AM **ARGH**

DH of course gets G up and I'm like you know in a few weeks when it's daylight savings time we are going to be SCREWED!!! Just put his ass back in bed and let him fuss back to sleep....because right now at almost 10AM his is whiny and bitchy and acting like a little bastard for me while DH is off at work kid freaking free!!! Of course C didn't go back to sleep either and was being a pain in the butt and eventually I just stuck him in his swing turned off the monitor and climb in bed....I was seriously at the end of my rope!!! He still hasn't slept yet at almost 10AM and DH gave him a bottle sometime between 7AM and 8AM and I just nursed him for 30 minutes!!! So again i stuck him in the swing and turned the vacuum on in his room.....hey the noise will either sooth him to sleep or drowned out his cries so I can't hear them!!!

DH says just put him on a bottle but I don't think that would solve many of our problems because he nurses fine it's everything else I have to deal with that's the problems. G is still gonna be a whiny PITA if C's on bottles because G gets up to early. C will still need rocked to sleep if he is on bottles. **ARGH** Part of me wants to just go to bottles but then the stubborn part of me won't let me do it!!! We'll see how today goes and then tonight.....if tonight is as bad as last night the bottles just might win out!!!

And to top things all of....I'm crabby, G's crabby and C's crabby.....I have to take all 5 kids to the dentist today and if we are don there before 4:15PM I have to take all 5 kids to S's clarinet lesson and then come home and try and feed everyone!!! **ARGH** I want to run away....I really really do......I wouldn't even look back if I got the chance....sad I know...but true....probably makes me a horrible mother and wife but at this point in time I really don't care...I wanna be selfish and do something for ME for a change!!! Well I gotta go check to make sure my sweeper hasn't worn a hole in the rug in C's room!!! Hope you all enjoy your day better then me!!!

~~Later

Happy Birthday!!!

so today is a day full of birthdays in my house!!! My sweetheart of a hubby is celebratig his 33rd birthday today!! Love you tons sweetie!! My sweet baby boy C is one month old today!! Can't believe how fast your growing little man!!! **sniff sniff** And today my big brother Jeff would have turned 46.....miss you tons Jeffy!!! Can't believe it's been 18 months since your death!!! :-( My sister called me and told me she was sending flowers to my mom at work today!! Wish I would have done something for her but I've been crazy busy and short on cash!!! Maybe I'll give her a call later!!!

So we went grocery shopping last night.....all 7 of us!!! It was interesting to say the least!! Everyone was good, even C, he just fussed a bit......but it was during his "fussy time" (aka he needs a boob in his mouth constantly) and he was probably a bit hungry!! Then we went to McDonald's and it also went really really well, even if I did end up nursing C the whole time......which was also my first time nursing in public somewhere other then my van!!!! Go me!!!!!

So C is having some weirdness going on......he is having weird foamy poop, not green but yellow. I've searched online and have found several things it could be: a dairy "allergy", a virus (remember a 4 of my other kids were just sick) or over active letdown. He also has a red raw looking rash right around his little bum hole.....which could also be the dairy thing. The thing is he's not super gassy and when he does fart or have gas he doesn't seem uncomfortable or in pain. I also read it could just be from having gas or lots of air hen pooping too!!! So maybe I'll try avoiding dairy for a few days and see if that helps!!

OK I need to go get the bigger boys a snack (if I can get C to lay down and sleep without me!!) and hopefully get the boys laundry folded!!! Have a great day......it's sunny here and suppose to be in the 60's!!!

ETA: that little mister C FINALLY lost his umbillical stump yesterday!!! I've never had a kid hold on to theirs that long!!! I'm pretty sure that all the other kids lost their within 10 to 14 days after birth!!! But needless to say I was so glad to see that thing GO!!!! Woot for being able to wear onesies on my baby!!! *lol*

~~Later

4 weeks old

Can you believe it's been 4 weeks since I had little C!?!? And I still haven't written my birth story or re capped the days leading up to his birth.....I suck!!! He's getting big and growing like weed!! Mommy's milk is doing it's job !! Yep I'm still nursing and although it's not a dream, it's going and I actually don't want to quit today!!! *lol* Of course that could change in 5 minutes *lol* Here are some pictures I just snapped like 5 minutes ago. Look how much his big brothers love him!!!! Awwwwww He's a bit of a grump some days but hopefully as he grows he'll outgrow that!!! *crossing fingers**









Update on the sickies: both girls went to school even though they still have coughs, those things can hang on for weeks and I can't keep them home forever!! They both have their appetites back and no fevers so it's off to school!!! Little man has a cough too, but no fever....his appetite isn't totally back to normal but it's on it's way!! This weekend was hell!!! G-man was such a bear and just whined and cried and whined some more!! I'm so glad hubby was here because I would not have survived if it had been a weekday!! However he too is feeling better and even ate breakfast this morning, has had a snack and a glass of water!! He is happily sitting on the couch watching Wiggles!!! Thankfully neither C nor I got it......yet. I'm pretty sure he won't but I might still...although I feel great so hopefully I will be spared!!! Hubby hasn't gotten it either and we hope he is spared too!!!

After the cold weather last week and the spitting of snow the weather is beautiful here today, although probably still a bit cold it's very very sunny and I believe it's suppose to get up in the 60's this week!! I love the sun!!! It makes my day so much better!! OK I'm gonna go get my guys lunch and hopefully scrap a bit!!! Enjoy your day!!!

~~Later

Weight Check!

So little C had a weight check today at the doctors. Last Tuesday he was 7lb 4ozs. Today he was 7lbs 12 ozs, so he had a weight gain of 8 ozs in one week!!! Hooray for mommy's milk and growing boys!!!! We go back in about 4 weeks for a well baby check up!!! So I guess since he is gaining and gaining well I'll stick with the breastfeeding, even though my right nip is so sore!!! I just need to get a good latch on that side for a couple feedings in a row and I think it will heal it up!!! Problem is the little stinker latches wall all day long but then he gets lazy at night and that one bad latch starts the pain all over again!!!! Speaking of little mister stinker pants.....I can't believe he was 3 weeks old yesterday!!! Here are some pictures I snapped of him this morning before we headed out the door!!! Him in his little pumpkin outfit his Aunty Michelle got him!!!






He's clingy but I live that little peanut!!! OK enjoy the rest of your day!!!

~~Later

Weigh In

So we had an appointment this morning for a wight check and my little man gain about 7ozs!!! He is up to 7lbs 4 ozs....just 2 ozs shy of his birth weight!!! I'm so happy he is gain and growing well!!! I *thought* he had gained some because he was pooping more and his diapers were feeling snugger, but I didn't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed!!! But I'm so happy that mommy's milk is working...even though it is wearing me out and get's on my nerves some!!! I guess we will stick with it and just take it one day at a time, I know that eventually it will get better and be easier and I will be so happy I stuck with it, I guess I'm just getting annoyed that it's so hard....because even though it's been hard the last 3 times....it was so easy with my first. At least I think it was since I stuck with it for 3 months......maybe it just seemed easier since she was an only child!!!! I also just get discouraged when he won't sleep.......I'm so use to all my kids just eating quick and then sleeping for 3 hours in the swing, getting up to eat again real quick and then going right back to sleep. Little Mister CJ likes to hand out on mommy for hours on end.....like today he literally nursed non stop from Noon till 2PM. Only stopping for like a minute or two for me to change a poopy diaper....and it was me stopping it not him and he cried the entire time!!! I finally stopped him, wrapped him in his blanket and stuck a bink in his mouth.......I mean I needed to get dinner started and I can't do that with a baby on my b.o.o.b!!!! So I'm just gonna take it day by day......and we'll see where we end up!!! But for know he's gaining and growing and I'm happy.....we go back next Tuesday for another weight check....since he's not quite at his birth weight!!!

In other news my sister called me this morning to let me know she is expecting again!!!I'll be an aunt again early next June.....YEA!!!! Have a great day!!!

~~later

Feeding report

So my baby sleeps to much at night!!! He went to bed last night at (well stopped nursing) 8:30PM and I set my alarm to wake him up at 1AM to nurse. He "nursed" from 1:08 to 1:23AM and then 1:30 to 1:40AM and I had to wake him back up at 6:40AM to eat!! That's way to long for a 12 day old baby who only weighs 6lbs 13 ozs to sleep without eating!!!! So I just have to suck it up and set my alarm to get up and feed him or he will never gain weight!!! So tonight he stopped nursing at 8:50PM so I think I'll wake him up at 1Am and 4AM to eat. Hopefully he'll nurse and go right back to sleep!!

He also got 3 ozs of formula yesterday and 3.5 ozs today, not by bottle but by syringe. Quite a bit of it comes dribbling out but I'm hoping some is making it down the hatch!! He sis poop twice today, that's great considering he's only actually pooped 2 times since we have been home (11 days). Maybe we have passed the bumps in the road and thingas are going to start looking up now...I can only hope!!!!

In other news I scrapped today....spent his one and only long nap scrapping instead of cleaning and it felt good, even if I don't LOVE the page....it's a start and I hope to start scrapping a bit everyday......lord knows I need too, I have about 10 CT kits to catch up on *lol* OK I'm going to go spend a few minutes checking out my facebook updates then I'm going to try and catch a few Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's before I get the babe up to eat!!! Have a great night!!!

~~Later

Failure

that's what I feel like!! A big fat effing FAILURE!!!!! A loser, a bad mother, broken, malfunctioning, selfish and the list goes on and on!! So if you can't tell our weight check went just wonderfully this morning.........NOT!!!! Although he didn't lose any weight.....he didn't gain any either in 4 days!!! I'm just devastated.....I'm heartbroken, for some reason I can't even figure out how to feed my kid!!! I want nothing more then to just feed this baby and for some reason I'm failing at that!!! I sit here in this damn chair all day long nursing this baby, neglecting my house, my other kids, my hubby and my self and for WHAT!?!?!? NOTHING........ it's like wasted time.....wasted energy!!! I'm not sure how much longer I can take this......I don't know how much more of myself I can pour into breastfeeding this baby. I'm driving myself mad....I'm worrying my hubby and I'm basically almost starving my child. I need to just give myself permission to quit.....to put him on formula and get over it!! To tell myself it's not worth the guilt, all of the other 4 kids THRIVED on formula!!! I was just hoping so much that THIS time would be different, that I was giving this one last chance to make it work, to get it right, to succeed!!! I'm sitting barley able to see the keys throw my tears....is it even worth all this heartache and despair??? Am I being ridiculous??

8 days

So the new bean is 8 days old and we had a weight/bilirubin check up @ the doctors today and it reduced me to tears (of course lots of things reduce me to tears now a days)!!! He's dropped down to 6lbs 13 ozs ( he was 7.6 @ birth and 7 even at 4 days old). The thing is this kid is on my b.o.o.b. 24 hours a day!!! If he's not nursing he's crying so I pretty much keep him on. His color was good (which means he's not jaundice) so the doctors not to worried. He also said that he could have been still losing weight and went down even farther and is on the upswing. He's not p.o.o.p.ing either, but is peeing.....not an exorbitant amount but probably 6 times a day. But again the doctor is not worried. I did see the LC and his latch is great so it's not him....we think it's my supply. So I'm instructed to drink.....drink......drink. I'm also gonna go pick up some Fenugreek and Mother's Milk Tea and see if I can boost my supple. I've also drank probably 120 ozs just since lunch time!!!

Well since I started this post early today (it's now almost 10PM) he has had a p.o.o.p.y.....it was yellowish brown and had some "curds" in it.....so maybe we are on the upswing!!! I also made it to WalMart and the supplement store (by myself with all 5 kids...go me!!!) and got my supplements, so I've taken my fenugreek and drank a glass of tea....talk about DISGUSTING.......*BLECK*, but it's for my little man so I guess I can suck it up and just drink it!!!

I'm still planning on going back and recapping leading up to my labor and birth....maybe I'll start working on it tomorrow....if I get a free minute!!! I love to go back and reread my old posts....so I really need to make time!!!! OK I need to head to bed....have a great night!!!

~~Later