Weight Loss

Um, ya so I'm heading down this road again!! Ugh, I could just kick myself!!! I'm such a fast lazy ass who loved to shove food down her gullet!!! Last year I lost 50 lbs and I've managed to gain all but 10 lb of it back!! I'm so disgusted with myself so I've finally decided to try again to do something about it!!! So today was my first day back to counting calories and I did pretty well, I'm under by about 300 and I don't think I was hungry at all today and I was super good and drank like 2 HUGE glasses of water (of course that gave me heartburn all day long - bitch)!!! So as of this morning I'm re-starting this journey at 243.4 lbs and I'm hoping to be well on my way to UNDER 200 lbs by my 40th birthday in February!!! Of course my original goal was to be 150 by my 40th, but that's just not gonna happen!!! In fact I'm not even sure I'll ever get that low so for right now I have one goal and that goal is to get below 200 and STAY THERE!!!! Here's hoping I make it!!! I didn't take photos but maybe I will tomorrow and then just plug them in here - we will see!!!

Night from hell!!

So last night was horrible, our first terrible night since the very beginning!!! C slept late from like 2PM till like 5:30PM and was then up and nursing most of the time till 8PM. Well at 8PM I change his diaper and swaddle him and we turn out the lights and I get in the recliner and start nursing him like I've done every night since birth. Well he would not go to sleep and my milk is so low at night as it is (just because that's normal for milk supply and also he nurses non stop all evening long) eventually he started fussing and pulling at the breast and not wanting to suck so I decided fine you can just get a bottle, so DH feeds him 3 ozs and he still is crying and not wanting to fall asleep so again I just take him and pop him on the breast and let him comfort suck and finally at 10:55PM after much rocking (be with him still fidgety in my arms) I lay him down. And honestly I wasn't even sure if he was gonna stay down so I laid on the couch and dozed on and off with DH bothering me repeatedly to come to bed and I finally did at about midnight. It didn't help that DH was in a terrible mood when he came home and snapped at the kids and I had a headache from hell that wouldn't go away!!! Of course C was up at 4AM and nursed for a bit and I rocked him and tried to put him back in his bed and I again laid on the couch and dozed and then both him and G woke up at 5:45AM **ARGH**

DH of course gets G up and I'm like you know in a few weeks when it's daylight savings time we are going to be SCREWED!!! Just put his ass back in bed and let him fuss back to sleep....because right now at almost 10AM his is whiny and bitchy and acting like a little bastard for me while DH is off at work kid freaking free!!! Of course C didn't go back to sleep either and was being a pain in the butt and eventually I just stuck him in his swing turned off the monitor and climb in bed....I was seriously at the end of my rope!!! He still hasn't slept yet at almost 10AM and DH gave him a bottle sometime between 7AM and 8AM and I just nursed him for 30 minutes!!! So again i stuck him in the swing and turned the vacuum on in his room.....hey the noise will either sooth him to sleep or drowned out his cries so I can't hear them!!!

DH says just put him on a bottle but I don't think that would solve many of our problems because he nurses fine it's everything else I have to deal with that's the problems. G is still gonna be a whiny PITA if C's on bottles because G gets up to early. C will still need rocked to sleep if he is on bottles. **ARGH** Part of me wants to just go to bottles but then the stubborn part of me won't let me do it!!! We'll see how today goes and then tonight.....if tonight is as bad as last night the bottles just might win out!!!

And to top things all of....I'm crabby, G's crabby and C's crabby.....I have to take all 5 kids to the dentist today and if we are don there before 4:15PM I have to take all 5 kids to S's clarinet lesson and then come home and try and feed everyone!!! **ARGH** I want to run away....I really really do......I wouldn't even look back if I got the chance....sad I know...but true....probably makes me a horrible mother and wife but at this point in time I really don't care...I wanna be selfish and do something for ME for a change!!! Well I gotta go check to make sure my sweeper hasn't worn a hole in the rug in C's room!!! Hope you all enjoy your day better then me!!!

~~Later

Failure

that's what I feel like!! A big fat effing FAILURE!!!!! A loser, a bad mother, broken, malfunctioning, selfish and the list goes on and on!! So if you can't tell our weight check went just wonderfully this morning.........NOT!!!! Although he didn't lose any weight.....he didn't gain any either in 4 days!!! I'm just devastated.....I'm heartbroken, for some reason I can't even figure out how to feed my kid!!! I want nothing more then to just feed this baby and for some reason I'm failing at that!!! I sit here in this damn chair all day long nursing this baby, neglecting my house, my other kids, my hubby and my self and for WHAT!?!?!? NOTHING........ it's like wasted time.....wasted energy!!! I'm not sure how much longer I can take this......I don't know how much more of myself I can pour into breastfeeding this baby. I'm driving myself mad....I'm worrying my hubby and I'm basically almost starving my child. I need to just give myself permission to quit.....to put him on formula and get over it!! To tell myself it's not worth the guilt, all of the other 4 kids THRIVED on formula!!! I was just hoping so much that THIS time would be different, that I was giving this one last chance to make it work, to get it right, to succeed!!! I'm sitting barley able to see the keys throw my tears....is it even worth all this heartache and despair??? Am I being ridiculous??