Tap, Tap, Tap....is this thing on.....

Soooooo, hi! Ok I know no one reads this thing, but I think I'm gonna start posting again. I know this is crazy, but what the hell, I've done way crazier things in my life then "start blogging...again". For example, getting pregnant at the age of 43!!! Yes you read that right, I purposely got pregnant at the age of 43. Well technically I got pregnant at the age of 42 but sadly it was a blighted ovum and I miscarried at 6 weeks 3 days!! :(  So I'm on this roller coaster ride again and I'm scared shitless!!!

Without going into to much detail, because that shit would be hella long, T and I decided back in Nov 2016 (when he moved back home) that we wanted to have another baby. Well miraculously we got pregnant that month, but since we are both old as hell like I said I miscarried. I started cramping Friday the 23rd and then started spotting in the evening on Christmas Eve. After an ultrasound on Dec 27th (6 weeks 6 days) the doctor said that all I had was an empty sac and that it implanted too low in the uterus. I passed everything naturally and as soon as the b.l.e.e.d.i.n.g had stopped we were right back at it!! Finally got my first aunt flow about 25 days after I stopped b.l.e.e.d.i.n.g. Nothing happened that cycle and I got my 2nd aunt flow on February 21st. I started using OPK's and temping again with fertility Friend. I took my first test on March 16th - 9 dpo (I'm pretty sure), it was a Walmart cheapie and it was negative, but I went back and hour or two later and there was just the faintest of line!! Now normally I'd dismiss it as an evaporation line, but I was using those test after my miscarriage (plus having blood draws) and when my HCG was still like 10 I was getting those type of lines and in January when I was testing (before I got aunt flow back) they were coming up start white but after a few hours were still stark white. Then I took one the day before AF in February and it was stark white and stayed stark white. So needless to say I was stoked!! So I tested with a first response rapid detection on the 17th (10 dpo )but it was negative - I was crushed!! But that night at 7PM I took the clearblue easy that came with my OPK's and the faintest of lines came up within the 3 minutes. I was so excited!!

But I knew that blue dye tests are notorious for false positives so I did some research and found out that the first response test I bought was not an early one, it was a new one and it only detected hcg at 50 -100mls!! WHATS!!! I was only like 10dpo, so no wonder it showed negative. So I ran out and bought some FRER (first response early results) and took one the next morning (11 dpo) with FMU, it was negative - UGH what the fuck!!!! I just knew then that the CBE was a false positive!!

 So of course I'm feeling so down. Like I'm having symptoms and I mean everyday and STRONG, not just here and there. Plus the CBE was even darker the next day, so I kept saying it's a false positive but yet I let it keep my hopes alive, here it is the next morning (about 12 hours after I took it).

So of course I'm googling everything. I read someplace that FMU is actually not good to use and you should use SMU or hold for 3-4 hours with no liquid consumed.  So I held it for like 3 hours and took the 2nd FRER, still negative!! :( Later that day I did look at them again, because let's face it we all keep out tests and look at the past the 10 minute window. I mean WE. ALL. DO. IT. and on the morning one there was the faintest of faint line, like so faint I needed to take my glasses off and get soooooo close and squint. So hope was still a little alive!!! Even though you cant even see if in a photo!!! Hahaha!! Well after those 2 tests I was out of tests so I decided that I was just going to wait for AF to start, I wasn't testing again. And I stayed strong for a day!! HAHAHA!! Then late night on the 19th, I decided I'd use the bathroom at 6AM and then hold it and run to Walmart after the boys get on the bus and I'll buy some cheapies and run home and take them with SMU at around 9AM. Well I was not hopeful - my temp dropped yesterday from 97.93 to 97.63 and then dropped today to 97.47 - I was literally taking them to hope they brought on AF. You all know how that works, spend the money, take the test, get a negative, AF starts within hours. I even bought pads this morning with the tests. So I come home and take them right away. Within 3 minutes a faint line shows. So I'm like it's a fluke I'm taking the second test, same thing, 3 minutes and a faint line is there!! Here is the photo: right test is 6 minutes after and the left one is barely 3 minutes because I was running out the door to grab a digital and I didn't want my p.e.e. to get "old"!!! Hahahaha!!

I ran to the closest store, a Rite Aid like 5 minutes away, and grabbed a First Response gold digital because I'm still 2 days till AF starts (13 dpo) and this sucker is suppose to work 6 days before your missed AF!!! The SOB was $25 dollars - I was dying inside to pay that!!  I timed till 3 minutes and I looked and the fucking clock was still there - what the fuck - I died about a thousand deaths!! But them BAM about 20 secs later the YES+ showed up!!!

Immediately took a photo and texted T: Was this worth $25 bucks?!?!?! Then sent him that photo!!! So looks like as of today I am 3weeks 6 days pregnant and I am a nervous fucking wreck and I will be till a healthy little baby is placed in my arms about 8 months from now!!!

1st appointment

So today I met with a "resident" doctor and a psychologist. He (the doctor) ran the show and she (the psychologist) was there to add in anything if needed. So it wasn't a "real" therapy appointment but basically like a "consultation" to help the resident doc's deal with patients seeking therapy and maybe to help them spot patients that might benefit from therapy. It definitely wasn't a wasted trip for me (even though they were running an hour behind!!!) So we started off with what meds I was on, why I was on them, and how long I'd been on them. Then he wanted to know why I thought I need to seek help. We spent about 15 minutes talking and they gave me 2 places to call here in my town (my doctors office is about 45 minutes away from my house). The psychologist gave me a few tips on what to look for in a therapist, she talked about how my relationship with the therapist needs to be 100% about trust and to listen to my gut if I feel it's "off" or I'm not happy in the relationship. 

I also did a little googling and found a private practice I might call. It's an older woman but she deals specifically with depression and relationship problems. However it might take a while to get in to see here where as the one place that was suggested is a huge "practice" and they said I'd probably get an appointment with a week!!!

I'm suppose to check back in with my docs office a month to 6 weeks from now. But if I needed them for anything to call right away. Like if I can't find a therapist near me that I like, they have other resources for me. So that's where I'm at, I'm hoping to make some calls tomorrow and I'll hopefully report back with some good news!!!

Check up

So I had a check up with my doctor today, just the usual every 6 month are you still crazy but not killing people check up. I cried though, ugh!!! I hate crying and I hate crying in front of people even more!! He asked me if I felt OK and I gave the "eh" answer and he was like "that's not the answer I'd hoped for" and then I was like I'm ok but my marriage is basically a shit show!!! 😢 So we talked for a bit and I was like "I've actually been thinking I need to talk to someone, but I wasn't sure who..." And he was like "guess what, we have a psychologist on staff and she comes here every Thursday, we can totally set you up with an appointment with her!!!" I was like "YES!!!" So I actually got in this Thursday, like 2 days from now. I was sure I'd have to wait a few weeks!! So hoping this is gonna help big time. Not gonna lie, I'm nervous as hell but I know I need this!!! I also had to get the blood work I'd been putting off for 2 years and my weight was up, but I knew that and he didn't critize we just talked about it and why it was up, the whole tanked relationship!! He wants to see me back in early September. To see how the other appointments are going and to hopefully talk about my sleep study I've also been putting off. I really was going to do it 6 months ago but I never got the referral, so hopefully it will come this time!!!